TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely away from area. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have A further location exactly where American Adult males can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: present Absolutely everyone a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is that he must halt making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a feature staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest Trump Tower Damascus SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "wherever's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting notice from Intercontinental buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have change-down assistance."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

Report this page